官方网址：NSQ: How Do You Connect With Someone You Just Met?
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
MAUGHAN: I’m so nervous right now.
DUCKWORTH: I’m Angela Duckworth.
MAUGHAN: I’m Mike Maughan.
DUCKWORTH + MAUGHAN: And you’re listening to No Stupid Questions.
Today on the show: How do you connect with someone new?
今天的节目是:你如何与新认识的人建立联系?
DUCKWORTH: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
MAUGHAN: Oh, wow.
DUCKWORTH: Mike, my question for you is: how do you, Mike Maughan, connect with somebody you just met? Because you are really good at meeting new people. I’ve seen you do it in the context of these Utah Jazz games, but I’ve also seen you do it in the context of these big annual conferences that you have helped to coordinate for Qualtrics for years. So, I get to watch you backstage and in the, you know, “mosh pit” of the audience itself. And you’re just, like, meeting people left and right for the first time. And I’ve always been struck by how easily you do make those connections.
迈克，我的问题是:你，迈克·莫恩，是如何与你刚认识的人交流的?因为你真的很擅长结识新朋友。我看到你在犹他爵士队的比赛中这样做，但我也看到你在这些大型年度会议的背景下这样做，你多年来一直在帮助协调Qualtrics。所以，我可以在后台看着你，你知道的，在观众的“舞池”里。你就像，第一次见到各种各样的人。我总是被你能轻易地建立这些联系所震惊。
meet new people: 结识新朋友：与以前不认识的人建立联系，拓展社交圈。
in the context of: 在……情况下；在……背景下
coordinate: v.协调，配合；使身体协调；（使颜色、款式、风格等）搭配，配套；给 （原子或分子）配位，与……形成共价键
backstage: adv.在后台；向后台
mosh pit: 蹦极舞池：一个在摇滚音乐会或其他现场音乐表演中，观众们跳跃、推挤、碰撞的区域，通常位于舞台前方。
MAUGHAN: This is an interesting question. So, if you know who someone is or know who you’re meeting with, I think it’s different than when you just meet someone for the first time, randomly. I will admit that I follow the example of a friend of ours who taught me the power of preparation.
这是一个有趣的问题。所以，如果你知道某人是谁，或者知道你要和谁见面，我认为这和你第一次偶然见到某人是不同的。我承认我是以一位朋友为榜样，他教会了我准备的力量。
DUCKWORTH: Wait, wait, who’s the friend?
等等，那个朋友是谁?
MAUGHAN: Our friend, Arianna Huffington, I think has been such an amazing example. Because the first time I ever met with her — we were meeting formally for a scheduled meeting — I walked in and Arianna had every recent tweet that I had done, every recent article that I had written in some newspaper. She had all this information. And she comes to the conversation very knowledgeable about all of your recent activities, but then she can comment on all the things that you’ve recently been doing or saying, or that are out there in any sort of public way. And you feel seen, and noticed, and recognized. And I admit that I felt this much deeper connection. So, the next time I’m meeting with Arianna, it’s via Zoom — I should have taken the lesson, because I just show up to the meeting, and I’m prepared for the meeting, but I haven’t done this, and she does the same thing. I’m really impressed, and I feel, again, recognized, seen, valued, because she comes to every meeting knowing something about the person and knowing about what’s interesting to them. And I think one of the keys I have found in connecting with other people is: as quickly as you’re able — whether it’s a scheduled meeting like this or a random meeting — as quickly as you’re able, identifying something that’s of interest to the other person, and then it allows you to connect on a really human level.
我们的朋友，阿里安娜·赫芬顿，我认为就是一个很好的例子。因为我第一次和她见面——我们是为了一个预定的会议正式见面——我走进来，Arianna看到了我最近发的每一条推特，我最近在报纸上写的每一篇文章。她掌握了所有这些信息。她开始谈话时对你最近的活动非常了解，但她可以评论你最近做的或说的所有事情，或者任何公开的方式。你觉得自己被看见，被注意，被认可。我承认我感觉到了这种更深层次的联系。所以，下次我和阿里安娜见面，是通过Zoom，我应该吸取教训的，因为我只是出现在会议上，我为会议做了准备，但我没有这样做，她也这么做了。我真的被打动了，我再次感到被认可，被关注，被重视，因为她每次来开会都对这个人有所了解，知道他们感兴趣的是什么。我认为，我发现与其他人建立联系的关键之一是:尽可能快——无论是像这样的预定会议还是随机会议——尽可能快地确定对方感兴趣的东西，然后这能让你们在真正的人类层面上建立联系。
knowledgeable: adj.有见识的，知识渊博的
DUCKWORTH: So, this second encounter with Arianna Huffington, where you’re, I guess, not total strangers, but you’re not B.F.F.s either yet, right? Like, she already knew the things that she knew the first time she met you, but she did — what? Prep on what you had been saying on social media that week?
那么，第二次与阿里安娜·赫芬顿见面，我猜你们不是完全陌生的人，但你们也不是最好的朋友，对吧?比如，她已经知道了她第一次见到你时知道的事情，但她确实知道了-什么?准备好你那周在社交媒体上说的话吗?
(notes take in 2023 Aug 11 Fri)
MAUGHAN: Yes, exactly that. So, it’s that she would know, since we last met, what articles have you published? What tweets have you sent? What have you been talking about online? What things have you been at? So, instead of just knowing my biography, she said, “Oh, I, I saw that you recently went to this event, how was that?” Or, “What did you learn from this?” And it’s an example — because obviously you don’t always know who you’re meeting with, but an example of how to be interested in other people. And there’s nothing that most people like more than hearing their own name and talking about themselves. And so, when someone shows up and shows interest, it’s such an easy and powerful way to connect.
是的，正是这样。所以她会知道，自从我们上次见面后，你发表了什么文章?你发了什么推特?你在网上都说了些什么?你去了什么地方?所以，她不只是知道我的履历，而是说:“哦，我，我看到你最近参加了一个活动，怎么样?”或者，“你从中学到了什么?”这是一个例子，因为很明显你并不总是知道你在和谁见面，但这是一个如何对别人感兴趣的例子。大多数人最喜欢听到自己的名字，谈论自己。所以，当有人出现并表现出兴趣时，这是一种简单而有力的联系方式。
DUCKWORTH: I mean, probably the most famous research paper on how to get close to another person in a kind of, like, emotional way as fast as possible is — people call it, like, in my field “the Aron and Aron procedure,” because the two lead researchers —.
我的意思是，关于如何以一种情感的方式尽快接近另一个人的最著名的研究论文可能是——在我的领域里，人们称之为“阿伦和阿伦程序”，因为两位主要研究人员。
MAUGHAN: Like, Aaron the name?
比如，亚伦这个名字?
DUCKWORTH: Well, there’s a husband and wife couple, Elaine and Arthur Aron. They’re both psychologists who have been studying interpersonal closeness for decades and decades. And their procedure for getting intimate with another person that you don’t yet know is a sequence of questions. It’s actually something that you may have heard of because The New York Times published them, like, I don’t know, in 2015 or something.
嗯，有一对夫妻，伊莱恩和阿瑟·阿伦。 他们都是心理学家，几十年来一直在研究人际亲密关系。 他们的关于你与另一个你还不认识的人建立亲密关系的程序是一系列问题。 这实际上是你可能听说过的事情，因为《纽约时报》发表了它们，我不知道，是在 2015 年之类的。
MAUGHAN: Oh, it this “The 36 questions That Lead to Love”?
这是《通往爱情的36个问题》吗?
DUCKWORTH: Yes, the kind of viral, like, Modern Love piece.
是啊，就像《摩登情爱》那样的流行歌曲。
viral: adj.病毒性的，病毒引起的；（与）利用病毒式营销手段（有关）的 n.互联网上迅速传播的图片（或视频、广告等）
MAUGHAN: Yes, I love these.
是的，我喜欢这些。
DUCKWORTH: Have you done them, like, as icebreakers? Because sometimes they’re used in business.
你有没有把它们当做破冰工具?因为有时候在商业中也会用到。
icebreaker: n.碎冰船；消除隔阂的行动；活跃气氛的话
MAUGHAN: Yeah, well that’s what I was going to say. I think it’s three sections —.
是啊，这正是我想说的。我想有三个部分。
DUCKWORTH: Yeah, there’s three sets, 12 each.
是的，有三组，每组12个。
MAUGHAN: And I think they get increasingly intimate. And I usually don’t do those, but I’ve absolutely used a bunch of these. And it’s kind of a forced “get to know you,” but they give interesting questions and interesting framing where people, I think, feel free to talk about things that you might not necessarily bring up, but they lead to some level of personal intimacy where you get to know people pretty quickly on a pretty deep level. I’ll admit, I had no idea it was an academic study.
我觉得他们会越来越亲密。我通常不这么做，但我确实用过很多。这是一种被迫的“了解你”，但他们提出了有趣的问题和有趣的框架，我认为人们可以自由地谈论一些你不一定会提到的事情，但它们会带来某种程度的个人亲密关系，你很快就能在一个相当深入的层面上了解别人。我承认，我不知道这是个学术研究。
framing: n.框架；设计；取景；组帧
DUCKWORTH: Yeah, you just knew the Modern Love piece, maybe, but the original study was actually a random assignment study, and there’s another set of questions that was in the placebo group — in the, you know, non-treatment group. And they’re small-talk questions.
是的，你可能只知道《摩登爱情》那篇，但最初的研究实际上是一个随机分配的研究，还有另一组问题是在安慰剂组中，在非治疗组中。这些都是闲聊的问题。
placebo: n.安慰剂，无效对照剂；使人宽慰的事，安抚话；为死者所颂的晚祷词
small-talk: 闲聊：指在社交场合中进行的简短、轻松的谈话，通常涉及日常琐事或其他不太重要的话题。
MAUGHAN: Wait. So there’s two groups of people. One group gets the “36 questions that lead to love,” and the other gets just small talk questions. And they measure what? Before and after how connected we feel with each other?
等等。所以有两组人。一组得到了“通向爱情的36个问题”，另一组得到的只是闲聊的问题。它们测量什么?前后我们之间的联系有多紧密?
DUCKWORTH: Yeah, that’s exactly the research design. By the way, in the original study, the Arons, the lead psychologists on this work, did not actually intend these questions to lead to love. It was published in The New York Times in the Modern Love section, but they were just trying to get people to be close to each other platonically.
是的，这就是研究设计。顺便说一下，在最初的研究中，Arons夫妇，这项工作的主要心理学家，实际上并没有打算让这些问题导致爱情。这篇文章发表在《纽约时报》的《现代爱情》栏目上，但他们只是想让人们以柏拉图式的方式亲近彼此。
intend: v.打算，想要；意指，意思是；准备，预留（作某种用途或给某人用）
platonically: 柏拉图式地
MAUGHAN: Honestly, that’s how I’ve — I call them “36 questions that lead to understanding.” Because I feel like if you say, “that lead to love,” with coworkers, you’re like, that’s obviously super weird.
老实说，这就是我如何——我称之为“通向理解的36个问题”。因为我觉得如果你和同事说，“这会导致爱情”，你会觉得，这显然非常奇怪。
(notes take in 2023 Aug 15 Tue)
DUCKWORTH: Yeah, that’s not where we’re going. We weren’t going there. Um, Okay. So, I think we should go through. And, Mike, even though you don’t like using the third set, which is, like, the most vulnerable kind of question-answering-and-asking set of the three, I think we should go through one question in set one, one question in set two, and yes, I think we should go to set three.
是的，那不是我们要去的地方。我们不打算去那里。嗯,好吧。所以，我觉得我们应该通过。迈克，虽然你不喜欢用第三套，也就是三个问题中最容易出问题的那套，但我觉得我们应该在第一套里出一个问题，在第二套里出一个问题，是的，我觉得我们应该去第三套。
MAUGHAN: Hm. Okay. Okay. Deal.
嗯。好吧。好吧。就这样了。
DUCKWORTH: Are you ready?
MAUGHAN: I’m so nervous right now.
DUCKWORTH: First, let’s do a question from set one. I’m going to pick what I think is a pretty innocuous one, okay? Mike, what would constitute a perfect day for you? And by the way, in this procedure, you answer it, but also, I answer it. But you answer first.
首先，我们来做一题。我要选一个我认为无害的，好吗?迈克，对你来说完美的一天是怎样的?顺便说一下，在这个过程中，你回答它，但我也回答它。但你先回答。
innocuous: adj.无害的；无伤大雅的
constitute: v.组成，构成；是，被视为；成立，设立；任命
MAUGHAN: The perfect day for me. It’s definitely outdoors. It’s going to involve people that I love.
对我来说是完美的一天。绝对是在户外。它会涉及到我爱的人。
DUCKWORTH: Okay. So, like, who?
MAUGHAN: So, I have a, a group of friends. It’s basically the group I recently went on vacation with to Hawaii — so, the Kimballs, the Bednars, the Bennetts. They’re some of the people I love most in the world. We were in Hawaii, which is a place that my grandmother grew up, born and raised — a place that’s very deeply important to me in connection to my relatives and heritage. And I think the beauty of sharing a place and sharing something that you love so much with people that you care so deeply about is probably the perfect day for me. So, very active. It would be: let’s accomplish something, A.K.A. go on a hike or do something challenging and hard. But also then do something enjoyable that is this yin and yang of adventure versus some level of peace, A.K.A. reading a book by the beach or something like that. So, a combination of place, being outside, some level of adventure, some level of comfort.
我有一群朋友。基本上就是我最近一起去夏威夷度假的那群人——金伯斯一家、贝德纳斯一家、贝内特一家。他们是我在这个世界上最爱的人。我们在夏威夷，那是我祖母长大、出生和成长的地方——一个与我的亲戚和传统联系在一起的地方，对我来说非常重要。我觉得分享一个地方，和你深爱的人分享你爱的东西的美好之处对我来说可能是完美的一天。非常活跃。它会是:让我们完成一些事情，也就是去远足或做一些具有挑战性和困难的事情。但也要做一些令人愉快的事情，这是冒险的阴阳与某种程度的平静，也就是在海滩上看书之类的。所以，一个地方，在外面，某种程度的冒险，某种程度的舒适的组合。
DUCKWORTH: Reading the book happens after you get back from the really hard hike?
你从艰苦的徒步旅行回来后才会读书吗?
MAUGHAN: Yeah. That’s probably sitting on the back deck overlooking the beach or sitting on the beach itself.
是的。那可能是坐在后甲板上俯瞰海滩，或者坐在海滩上。
DUCKWORTH: Everyone’s taken their shower. You’re waiting for dinner.
大家都洗过澡了。你在等晚饭。
MAUGHAN: I’m not like a foodie foodie, but it wouldn’t hurt to have great food in there as well.
我不是个吃货，但要是有好吃的也无妨。
foodie: n.美食家；吃货
DUCKWORTH: It’s a perfect day. I think you get to pick that there’s perfect food.
这是一个完美的一天。我觉得你可以选择有完美的食物。
MAUGHAN: So, you’re answering the same question, “What’s your perfect day?” Or do I get to pick a random one?
所以，你回答同样的问题，“你完美的一天是什么样的?”还是我随机选一个?
DUCKWORTH: I think I should answer the same one. And then, if we were doing it for realsies, then we would actually go through the first set —.
我想我应该回答同样的问题。然后，如果我们做的是真实的，那么我们实际上会通过第一组...
MAUGHAN: Oh, because you go back and forth. Both of us answer each question.
哦，因为你来来回回。我们俩回答每个问题。
DUCKWORTH: Yeah. So you both answer. I think it’s very important that you both answer the same question. And you’re working your way — it’s kind of like a board game. You’re, like, working your way through the cards. And then, when the timer goes off, you have to move to the next set, because it’s like you have to move to the next level of intimacy.
是的。 所以你们两个都回答。 我认为你们都回答同一个问题非常重要。 你按照自己的方式工作——这有点像棋盘游戏。 你就像在按照自己的方式处理卡片。 然后，当计时器响起时，你必须进入下一组，因为这就像你必须进入下一个亲密级别。
go off: 发出特定的声音
MAUGHAN: So, let me ask you, Angela Duckworth. What constitutes the perfect day?
我来问你，安吉拉·达克沃斯。你的完美的一天是怎样的？
DUCKWORTH: I wake up. And I’ve slept amazingly. I think I have an iced coffee from the local coffee shop, which is called Alchemy, and they have that, like, little sugar syrup that you can pour in.
我醒了。我睡得很好。我想我从当地的咖啡店买了一杯冰咖啡，叫做炼金术，他们有那种，你可以倒进去的小糖浆。
syrup: n.糖浆；糖水（有时加果汁）；药用糖浆，糖浆剂；（风格，态度）过分甜蜜，过分多愁善感；<英，非正式>假发
MAUGHAN: Wow, this is an immense level of detail. I love it.
哇，这是一个巨大的细节水平。我喜欢它。
DUCKWORTH: Oh, yeah. I’m going for it!
哦,是的。我要试一试!
MAUGHAN: Mine’s, like, so general.
我的，太笼统了。
DUCKWORTH: By the way, this is all possible. I haven’t really fantasized that much — aside from the perfect sleep, which doesn’t usually happen. But here’s the thing. I’m with Jason, and we are going to go to New York that day. And we get on the train. And the train comes on time. And on my perfect day, we walk around Manhattan, and we go to Central Park, and it’s 72 degrees and low humidity. And the light is coming through the leaves in the trees of Central Park. And we find somewhere to eat that we hadn’t planned in advance. There’s no reservations, but it’s amazing.
顺便说一下，这都是可能的。我并没有幻想那么多——除了完美的睡眠，这通常不会发生。但问题是。我和杰森在一起，我们那天要去纽约。然后我们上了火车。火车准时到达。在我理想的日子里，我们在曼哈顿散步，我们去了中央公园，气温只有72华氏度，湿度很低。阳光透过中央公园的树叶照进来。我们会找一个没有提前计划的地方吃饭。这里没有预定，但非常棒。
humidity: n.潮湿，湿气；湿度
reservations: n.保留；预定（reservation 的复数形式）
MAUGHAN: So, some level of surprise and delight.
所以，某种程度上的惊喜和喜悦。
(notes take in 2023 Aug 28 Mon)
DUCKWORTH: And then, we go to a museum. We go to the MoMA or an art gallery, maybe. And we get hungry, and we have dinner. Again, somewhere maybe unplanned. And then, we catch the train back. And we’re on time for the train. The train is on time for us. And we walk back to our own home. And we get into bed, and we read. And that’s it.
然后，我们去了博物馆。我们可以去现代艺术博物馆或者美术馆。我们饿了，就吃晚饭。同样，可能是在没有计划的地方。然后，我们乘火车回来。我们准时赶上火车了。火车准时来接我们。然后我们走回自己的家。然后我们躺在床上读书。就是这样。
MoMA: 纽约现代艺术博物馆（The Museum of Modern Art）
on time: 按时，准时：在规定的时间内完成或发生。
MAUGHAN: And are you reading scientific literature? What are you reading?
DUCKWORTH: I never read scientific literature. I find that very, like, then I’m just thinking. I like to read nonfiction more than fiction. I could read, like, The New Yorker or, like, a memoir. I love me a good memoir. I’m reading a memoir right now — Dana Gioia. He was on a plane next to me, and he introduced himself as a “famous poet.”
我从来没有读过科学文献。 我觉得很像，然后我只是在思考。 比起小说，我更喜欢阅读非小说类作品。 我可以读《纽约客》之类的书，或者回忆录之类的书。 我爱我一本好的回忆录。 我现在正在读一本回忆录——Dana Gioia。 他在飞机上坐在我旁边，他介绍自己是“著名诗人”。
memoir: n.回忆录，自传（memoirs）；传略，实录；专题学术论文；（学会）讨论事项纪要，议事录（memoirs）
MAUGHAN: Wait. Did he say, “I’m a famous poet”?
DUCKWORTH: Well, I said, “Oh, what do you do?” And he was like, “I’m a famous poet” — but semicolon, because it was, like, a joke — he was like, “Only to other poets.” And I was like, “Oh, well, I’m not a poet.” And he was like, “Right.” So, I said, like, “What are you famous for?” He was like, “Oh, for bringing verse, like rhyming, back into poetry.” And I was like, “Oh, that’s a big deal. I guess you are famous.” And he was also the head of the National Endowment of the Arts for a while. And I think he was, like, poet laureate for the state of California — I mean, he actually is, legit, a famous poet. I went on to the Poetry Foundation website when I got home.
好吧，我说：“哦，你是做什么的？” 他说，“我是一位著名的诗人”——但是用分号，因为这就像一个笑话——他说，“只对其他诗人来说。” 我当时想，“哦，好吧，我不是诗人。” 他说：“对。” 所以，我说，“你因什么而出名？” 他说，“哦，把诗带回诗歌中，就像押韵一样。” 我当时想，“哦，这很重要。 我猜你很有名。” 他还曾一度担任国家艺术基金会的负责人。 我认为他就像是加利福尼亚州的桂冠诗人——我的意思是，他实际上是一位著名的诗人。 回到家后，我访问了诗歌基金会网站。
verse: n.诗，韵文；诗节，（歌曲的）节；（《圣经》或其他经文的）节，句；（赞美诗的）独唱部，小组唱部
rhyming: n.押韵 adj.押韵的 v.押韵（rhyme 的 ing 形式）；作诗
laureate: n.荣誉获得者，获奖者；桂冠诗人（Poet Laureate 的简称）adj.<文>（作为荣誉标志）佩戴桂冠的；<文>（花冠，花环）用月桂枝叶编织的；荣誉的v.使戴桂冠；任命为桂冠诗人
legit: adj.合法的 n.正统剧；正统剧院
MAUGHAN: You love that website, right? I feel like that’s a website you’re on all the time.
DUCKWORTH: I love that website! Anyway, I guess if I wanted to shoehorn a chance encounter with a poet into my perfect day, I could. But I think we’ve accomplished answering that question. If we had more time, we would answer more questions in set one, but I’m moving you along to level-two intimacy. And I’m going to make you answer the last question in the second set. So, here it is. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? Yeah, I’m going for it. I’m asking the mother question.
我喜欢那个网站!总之，我想如果我想在我完美的一天里硬塞一次与诗人的偶遇，我是可以的。但我认为我们已经回答了这个问题。如果我们有更多的时间，我们会在第一组回答更多的问题，但我要让你们进入第二阶段的亲密关系。我会让你们回答第二组的最后一个问题。这就是。你觉得你和你母亲的关系怎么样?是的，我要试试。我在问母亲的问题。
shoehorn: n.鞋拔 v.（使）挤入，把……硬塞进
notes take in 2023 Sep 9 Sat
MAUGHAN: Thankfully, I love my mother, but can you imagine if I didn’t have a great relationship and it’s just like, “Hey, let’s dive in there.”
值得庆幸的是，我爱我的母亲，但你能想象如果我没有良好的关系，就像“嘿，让我们深入其中吧。”
dive in: 开始做某事，尤其是在没有准备或思考的情况下; 投入到某件事情中去
DUCKWORTH: Oh, well then we would get real. That’s what would happen.
那我们就现实点吧。这就是将要发生的事情
MAUGHAN: We would get real. I love my mother. And I have a great relationship with her. My mother is a very strong person. She’s a petite woman, but she is fierce, and she is mighty. And she pushed us in all of these good ways. For example, my siblings and I — in our bathrooms, there was always some new quote taped to the mirror.
我们要现实一点。我爱我的妈妈。我和她关系很好。我妈妈是一个非常坚强的人。她是个娇小的女人，但她很凶猛，也很强大。她以所有这些好的方式推动我们。例如，我和我的兄弟姐妹——在我们的浴室里，镜子上总是贴着一些新的语录。
petite: adj.（女子）娇小的；（妇女服装）小号的
siblings: n.兄弟姐妹；同科
DUCKWORTH: She would write down inspiring quotes and, like, literally tape them to the bathroom mirror?
她会写下鼓舞人心的名言，然后把它们贴在浴室的镜子上?
literally: adv.按照字面意义地，逐字地；真正地，确实地；（用于夸张地强调）简直
MAUGHAN: And we all had to memorize when we were little, “Integrity is the moral courage to make my actions consistent with my knowledge of right and wrong.” I mean, she was ingraining character into us the whole time, which you, of all people, would love. Our chores all growing up — you had an indoor chore and an outdoor chore, and read for an hour. Every one of my siblings, we just got deep into reading. And we owe her so much for that. So, she pushed us to become good people, very well-read people. You know, who we were and what we did mattered. And I will say the thing that has impressed me most about my mother, as the years have gone on, my siblings and I have all grown up, she has become very adaptable, even when not everything works out exactly as — who has ever had everything work out exactly as they hoped, right? But she has proven to be surprisingly adaptable to every situation, and I don’t know that I would have predicted that, because there was some level of rigidity to growing up. And she is remarkably — just leads with love and saying, “this is my family.” I think she’s proven to be an incredible grandmother, and still has that very maternal leadership of the family. So, I feel very, very blessed that way. And now you, Mrs. Angela Duckworth. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
我们小时候都必须记住，“正直是使我的行为与我的是非知识相一致的道德勇气。” 我的意思是，她一直在给我们灌输个性，这是你在所有人中都会喜欢的。我们的家务都是在成长过程中做的——你有一项室内家务和一项室外家务，阅读一个小时。我的每一个兄弟姐妹，我们都沉迷于阅读。我们欠她太多了。所以，她督促我们成为好人，博览群书的人。我们是谁，我们做了什么都很重要。我要说的是我母亲给我印象最深的一点，随着时间的流逝，我的兄弟姐妹和我都长大了，她变得很有适应能力，即使不是所有的事情都像他们希望的那样，谁曾让所有的事情都像他们希望的那样，对吧?但事实证明，她对各种情况的适应能力令人惊讶，我不知道我是否会预料到这一点，因为成长过程中存在某种程度的僵化。值得注意的是，她只是用爱引导并说：“这是我的家人。” 我认为她已被证明是一位令人难以置信的祖母，并且仍然具有对家庭的母性领导力。 所以，我感到非常非常幸运。 现在轮到你了，安吉拉·达克沃斯夫人。你觉得你和你母亲的关系怎么样?
ingrain: vt.使……根深蒂固；就……原料染色；生染 n.固有品质；原纱染色；生染的纤维 adj.生染的；原纱染色的；根深蒂固的
ingrain into: 深深根植于；使某事物深深印在心中
chore: n.家庭杂务，杂活；累活，苦差事
get deep into: 深入了解：全面、深入地了解某个事物或情况。
owe: v.欠（钱），负账；应该做，应给予；欠（人情），应该感激；归因于，归功于
adaptable: adj.能适应的，适应性强的；可改变（以适应新用途）的
*work out:
1．解决，算出，制定；
· I need to work out a plan for my project.
我需要制定一个项目计划。
2．锻炼，健身；
· I usually work out at the gym three times a week.
我通常每周在健身房锻炼三次。
3．成功，顺利进行
· I hope everything will work out for you in the end.
我希望最终一切都能顺利进行。*
rigidity: n.硬度，刚性；严格，刻板；僵化
maternal: adj.慈母般的；作为母亲的；母系的
blessed: adj.神圣的，尊敬的；受祝福的，受上帝保佑的；带来幸福的，带来好运的；（使人）愉快安宁的；有幸具有的；幸运的；（非正式）表示愠怒，该死的
DUCKWORTH: Oh my gosh. I would say that it has gotten deeper recently, but I so love my mom. And she is somebody who I think only in the last couple of years I’ve gotten to know as a real person. For a lot of my life, I thought of my mom as the this, like, long-suffering saint, because my dad was so overbearing. I mean, I loved him, but oh my gosh, he was so self-absorbed.
我的天啊。我想说最近我们的感情越来越深了，但我真的很爱我妈妈。我想我是在最近几年才真正了解她这个人的。在我生命中的很长一段时间里，我都认为我妈妈是个，长期忍受苦难的圣人，因为我爸爸太霸道了。我是说，我爱他，但是天哪，他太以自我为中心了。
long-suffering: adj.坚忍的；长期忍受的 n.忍耐；坚忍；长期受苦
overbearing: v.压倒；击败；控制；专横对待（overbear 的现在分词） adj.专横的，傲慢的；压倒一切的
overbear: vt.压服；克服 vi.结实过多
self-absorbed: adj.自私的；专心于自己的事务或利益的；固执己见
MAUGHAN: But that’s the complicated relationship.
但这就是复杂的关系。
DUCKWORTH: I have a complicated relationship with my now-deceased father. I think my relationship with my mother was simpler, and actually has gotten more complex in a good way. So, much of my life, I thought about my dad more than my mom. I was, like, obsessed with my dad and his affection for me and what he thought about me. And I talked more to him. And I think I took him more seriously as, I don’t know, like, an intellectual partner and as a mentor. You know, when it would come to big decisions, I would go to my dad and not my mom. I didn’t think about my mom other than like, “Oh, my mom is beautiful. She’s benevolent. She’s selfless. She’s loving.” But when I had a problem, I would go and talk to my dad.
我和已故父亲的关系很复杂。我觉得我和母亲的关系以前更简单，但现在变得更复杂了。所以，在我生命中的大部分时间里，我想爸爸比想妈妈更多。我痴迷于我爸爸和他对我的爱以及他对我的看法。我和他谈得更多了。我想我更认真地对待他，我不知道，就像他是一位知识分子伙伴还是一位导师。你知道，当要做重大决定时，我会找我爸爸而不是我妈妈。我没有想到我妈妈，只是想，“哦，我妈妈很漂亮。她是仁慈的。她是无私的。她是爱。”但当我遇到问题时，我会去找我爸爸谈谈。
decease: n.死亡 v.死亡
obsessed with: 着迷于
mentor: n.导师，指导者 v.给予培训
benevolent: adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的；（用于慈善机构名称）慈善的，救济的
MAUGHAN: So, as complicated as it was with your dad, you still turned to him more as a child.
所以，尽管你和你父亲的关系很复杂，但你还是更倾向于像个孩子一样求助于他。
turn to: 1．求助于，转向，致力于 2．开始做某事，投入某项工作
DUCKWORTH: You know, I felt closer to my dad for my entire life — I mean, until he died, really. And then, when he passed away, now a few years ago, I think it was only then that I actually started to talk to my mom, like, as a person and not just as a two-dimensional cut-out of a saint. I was like, “Oh, you know, what is my mom thinking? What is my mom feeling?” And also, “What did my mom do today when she woke up?” I want to say, even in this last year in particular, I’ve just gotten a lot closer to her. You know, I finally said to her something that I hadn’t said, but I had thought it. I said to my mom, “You never call me. We don’t really, like, actually talk. Like, we talk, but we don’t really have intimate conversations. And I want to spend more time with you. And it’s not just because you’re getting on in years and so am I, but it’s just because, like, I kind of want to know you more.” And it was a weird thing to say to your mom. And then she said, in that conversation, like, “Oh, I love talking to you!” And I said, “Well, why don’t you ever call me?” And she said, “Well, you just seem so busy.” Okay. Fair point.
你知道吗，我觉得我这辈子都和我爸爸更亲近了——我是说，直到他去世，真的。然后，几年前他去世了，我想直到那时我才真正开始和我妈妈说话，就像，作为一个人，而不仅仅是一个二维的圣人。我就像，“哦，你知道，我妈妈在想什么?我妈妈是什么感觉?”还有，“我妈妈今天醒来后做了什么?”我想说的是，即使是在去年，我也和她走得更近了。我终于对她说了一些我没说过的话，但我想过了。我对妈妈说:“你从来不给我打电话。我们其实不怎么说话。比如，我们会聊天，但我们并没有真正的亲密对话。我想多花点时间和你在一起。这不仅仅是因为你上了年纪，我也上了年纪，而是因为，我有点想更多地了解你。”对你妈妈说这种话很奇怪。然后她说，在谈话中，就像，“哦，我喜欢和你说话!”我说:“那你为什么从来不给我打电话呢?”她说:“你看起来太忙了。”好吧，不错的理由。
pass away: 去世：指一个人或动物的生命结束，也可以表示某个事物的存在消失或结束。
cut-out: n.[电] 断流器；（木头、纸上剪下的）图案或花样
get on in years: 年纪大了；年龄增长
MAUGHAN: Yeah, but also sad, because it’s your mom.
是啊，但也很难过，因为那是你妈妈。
DUCKWORTH: I know! I was like, “Well, I would like it if you called me. I would like to actually spend time talking to you. I’m not that busy.” So, in the last year, we’ve gotten a lot closer. So, I’ve always loved my mom. She really is all those things I said. As self-absorbed as my father was is as selfless as my mother is. And also, she’s a whole human being with, like, her own conflicts, and stories, and regrets, and dreams, and friendships, and daily hassles. So, I have an increasingly complex and wonderful relationship with my mother.
我知道！ 我当时想，“好吧，如果你给我打电话，我会很高兴。 我实际上想花时间和你谈谈。 我没那么忙。” 所以，在过去的一年里，我们变得更加接近。 所以，我一直很爱我的妈妈。 她确实就是我说的那些。 就像我父亲一样自私，就像我母亲一样无私。 而且，她也是一个完整的人，有自己的冲突、故事、遗憾、梦想、友谊和日常麻烦。 所以，我和妈妈的关系越来越复杂，也越来越美好。
*daily hassles： 日常烦恼：指生活中常常遇到的小麻烦或困扰，如交通堵塞、工作压力、家庭琐事等。
· Dealing with daily hassles can be quite exhausting.
应对日常烦恼可能会让人感到非常疲惫。*
Still to come on No Stupid Questions: Angela uncovers some unexpected information about Mike’s past.
《没有愚蠢的问题》即将播出：安吉拉发现了有关迈克过去的一些意想不到的信息。
Still to come on: 还在继续
MAUGHAN: This is not hypothetical for me.
这对我来说不是假设。
hypothetical: adj.（基于）假设的，假定的 n.假设命题，假设陈述
DUCKWORTH: This is not a hypothetical question! Oh, I didn’t mean it to be so traumatizing.
这不是一个假设的问题!我不是故意让你这么伤心的。
traumatizing: v.使……受损伤；使……受精神创伤；使……（精神）痛苦（traumatize 的现在分词）
Now, back to Angela and Mike’s conversation about Aron and Aron’s 36 questions that foster closeness.
现在，回到Angela和Mike关于Aron的对话以及Aron提出的36个问题。
foster: v.促进，培养；领养，收养 adj.代养的，寄养的
DUCKWORTH: Okay. So, we’re going to move on to set three. Are you ready? This is the final set, Mike. This is like the vulnerability set that has, actually, mostly questions about embarrassment, and about shame, and crying, but I decided to be kind to you. I think I chose the most, you know, benign question in set three. Okay, so here we go. Mike, your house — this is hypothetical. Oh gosh, I hope this isn’t traumatizing. “Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item.” Mike, what would it be and why?
好吧。那么，我们将进入第三组。你准备好了吗?这是最后一组，迈克。这就像是脆弱的集合，实际上，主要是关于尴尬，羞耻和哭泣的问题，但我决定对你好一点。我想我选了第三组中最温和的问题。好的，我们开始。迈克，你的房子，这是假设。天哪，我希望这不会给你造成心理创伤。“你的房子着火了，里面装着你所有的东西。在救了你的爱人和宠物之后，你有时间安全地做最后的冲刺，去救任何一件东西。迈克，那会是什么，为什么?
*catch fire: 着火：开始燃烧或起火。
· The old wiring in the house caused the curtains to catch fire.
房子里的旧电线导致窗帘着火。*
MAUGHAN: Angela Duckworth, do you know why this is the most interesting question you could have asked me?
安吉拉·达克沃斯，你知道为什么这是你能问我的最有趣的问题吗?
DUCKWORTH: Why is it the most interesting question, Mike? I don’t know.
为什么这是最有趣的问题，迈克?我不知道。
MAUGHAN: Because when I was two years old, my house burned down. And when I was 16 years old, it burned down again.
因为在我两岁的时候，我的房子被烧毁了。当我16岁的时候，它又被烧毁了。
DUCKWORTH: No! What?
MAUGHAN: I am not joking.
我不是在开玩笑。
MAUGHAN: By the way, there’s the old adage, “three strikes and you’re out.” The same house burned twice. And so, honestly, my parents moved after that.
顺便说一句，有句老话叫“三振出局”。同一座房子被烧了两次。老实说，我父母在那之后就搬走了。
adage： n.格言，谚语；箴言
DUCKWORTH: It was the same house? Oh God.
MAUGHAN: Same house twice.
DUCKWORTH: And they were like, “Let’s just leave this house.” I think that’s a good life choice. Wait, were you guys doing, like, dumb things like leaving the pilot light on next to a Kleenex or something?
他们说，“我们离开这房子吧。”我认为这是一个很好的人生选择。等等，你们是不是做了什么蠢事比如把导航灯开在纸巾旁边之类的?
pilot: n.飞行员；领航员；（船只的）领航员；（电视）试播节目；常燃小火；航海手册；<非正式>职业骑师；<古>向导；（火车头前端的）排障器 adj.试点的；（电信）控制引导信号 v.驾驶（飞行器）；领航；试验，试行；使（新法律）顺利通过；<文>带领，指引
Kleenex: n.克里奈克斯纸巾（商标名）；一张面巾纸
MAUGHAN: The first time, when I’m two years old, a massive snowstorm in Utah. The power had gone out for, like, two weeks. So, everyone was living in a hotel, or with family, or friends, or something else. And apparently, when my family had come home, they’d put the groceries on the stove. And it was one of the old stoves back when. And so, someone had bumped the burner with their hip or something like that. And so, when the power came back on, the stove turned on, and then lit the groceries that were sitting on top of the stove on fire, and then, that spread through the kitchen and the rest of the house. But we had to move out for months, and then, when I’m 16 years old, we’ve all just finished Sunday dinner with my grandparents. My siblings are all in town from college. And, I’m the fifth of six kids, so most of them are older, but everybody’s there. We’re sitting in the front room having this wonderful conversation. And we smell smoke. And uh, my brother Dave runs outside, and there’s black smoke billowing out of both sides of the house. And he hops on the phone and calls 911. And, you know, the whole street is full of fire trucks. And so that one, again, we were out of the house for months, and months, and months, but we didn’t lose the whole house.
第一次是在我两岁的时候，犹他州发生了一场暴风雪。停电大概有两周了。所以，每个人都住在酒店里，或者和家人、朋友或其他什么人住在一起。显然，当我的家人回到家时，他们把食品放在炉子上。那是以前的一个旧炉子。所以，有人用臀部之类的东西撞到了燃烧器。所以，当电力恢复时，炉子就打开了，然后点燃了放在炉子上的杂货，然后，火传遍了厨房和房子的其他地方。但我们不得不搬出去几个月，然后，当我16岁的时候，我们刚刚和我的祖父母一起吃完周日晚餐。我的兄弟姐妹都从大学回来了。我在六个孩子中排行老五，所以大多数孩子都比我大，但每个人都去了。我们坐在前屋，聊得很开心。我们闻到了烟味。我哥哥戴夫跑了出去，房子两边都冒出了黑烟。他拿起电话拨打了911。你知道，整条街都是消防车。所以那一次，我们又离开了房子好几个月，好几个月，好几个月，但我们并没有失去整个房子。
stove: n.（取暖或烹饪用的）炉子，火炉；厨灶，炉头；窑；<英>温室 v.（为了喷涂表层而）在炉中对（物体）进行热处理；（用硫磺等烟雾）烟熏，消毒（房屋）；<英>在温室中加速（植物）生长，培植（植物）v.击穿；挡开，延缓（stave 的过去式和过去分词）
bump: v.（使身体部位等）碰上，撞上；（无意地）碰，撞；颠簸行进；拖拽；挤出，挤掉；改变（广播或电视节目的时间）
burner: n.燃烧器；火炉；[化工]燃烧炉；灯头
hip: n.臀部，髋；屋脊；野蔷薇果
lit: v.点亮，照亮；点燃，点火；偶然发现，获得（light的过去式和过去分词）
billow: n.巨浪 vi.翻腾 vt.使翻腾
truck: n.卡车，载重汽车；<英>（铁路）运货车皮，敞篷货运火车；（运送东西的）手推车，手拉车；火车转向架；（滑板的）轮转轴；（桅杆或旗杆顶端有孔可穿升降索的）桅冠，旗杆冠；<古>交易，买卖；<美>商品菜园产物（尤指蔬菜） v.<美>用卡车装运；<美>驾驶卡车；轻松前进，平稳前进；<古>交换，交易
DUCKWORTH: Wait, what was the cause of this?
等等，这是什么原因?
MAUGHAN: That was — wiring in the wall had frayed, they thought, after the first fire or whatever. And thankfully, it went up the wall instead of out into the home. Otherwise, we would have lost way more. But I remember sitting there as a 16-year-old. You know, when they’re spraying all the water, obviously they’re afraid the roof will collapse, because there’s so much water damage to just put out the fire. And they have to cut out big sections of the house to let the oxygen come in, I guess, and then the flames just start shooting up wildly. And so I — this is not hypothetical for me.
他们认为，在第一次火灾之后，墙上的电线磨损了。谢天谢地，它爬上了墙，而不是跑到家里去了。否则，我们会失去更多。但我记得我16岁时坐在那里。你知道，当他们在喷水的时候，很明显他们担心屋顶会倒塌，因为有太多的水破坏了灭火。我猜，他们不得不把房子切掉一大块，让氧气进来，然后火焰就开始疯狂地窜起来。这对我来说不是假设。
wiring: n.[电]接线，架线；线路；金属线缝术 v.装电线（wire 的现在分词）
fray: v.磨损，磨松；紧张，烦躁；用头磨 n.争论；打架；磨损处
*put out: 1．扑灭（火焰）：将火焰扑灭或熄灭。
· The firefighters were able to put out the fire before it spread to other buildings.
消防员能够在火势蔓延到其他建筑物之前扑灭火灾。*
shoot up: 1、迅速上升：指某物或某人在短时间内迅速增长或提高。
DUCKWORTH: This is not a hypothetical question. Oh, I didn’t mean it to be so traumatizing.
这不是一个假设性的问题。我不是故意让你这么伤心的。
MAUGHAN: No, it’s not traumatizing. But I also feel like it’s weirdly not that intimate.
不，这不会造成精神创伤。但我也奇怪地觉得这不是那么亲密。
DUCKWORTH: Okay. Well, I guess you can consider it a softball. What would you take out of your current home as the one object that you would want to save?
好吧。好吧，我想你可以把它看成是一个垒球。你最想从你现在的家带走的东西是什么?
softball: n.垒球；垒球运动
MAUGHAN: Honestly, I have so many amazing, cool things from over the years that I’ve collected, but the only thing I would care about most, I guess, is just getting — and most of this is on the Cloud now, but it was just getting pictures and memories. So, I would guess that what’s not on the Cloud outside of pictures are probably journals. I’m not a great journaler, but I have a bunch of journals from my childhood, and from college, and stuff like that. So, I’d probably go grab those. I went on some amazing adventures during college, and afterwards, and traveled all over the world. And I journaled decently well then. That’s what’s irreplaceable. It’s more the memories, and what’s personal.
老实说，这些年来我收集了很多了不起的、很酷的东西，但我想我唯一最关心的就是——现在大部分都在云上，但那只是获取照片和回忆。所以，我猜除了图片之外，云上没有的可能是日志。我不是一个伟大的记者，但我有一堆日记，从我的童年，从大学，和类似的东西。我可能会去拿那些。我在大学期间经历了一些奇妙的冒险，之后，我周游了世界。那时我的日记写得还不错。这是不可替代的。更多的是回忆，还有个人的东西。
decently: adv.合适地；高雅地；正派地；亲切地
DUCKWORTH: I agree, by the way. This isn’t, like, super vulnerable, but it is in set three.
顺便说一下，我同意。这个不是特别脆弱，但它在第三组。
MAUGHAN: Well, hopefully you don’t — you don’t have the same experience that I have.
好吧，希望你没有和我一样的经历。
DUCKWORTH: No, my house did not catch on fire twice. I did not have any house fires in my life story. But if I had to dash to safety and choose one object, I would choose actually — my mom did a painting. There’s two paintings — oh my gosh. I’m going to cheat. So, they’re both by my mom. But the painting she did when she was 24, it’s a watercolor. I’ve shown you it before. She grew up, actually, in China. It’s an ocean with a mountain coming out of it. And it was very symbolic to her as her childhood home when she came to the United States. It was sort of a representation of, like, all she had left behind and feeling like, you know, you’re in the middle of the ocean, you’re like, on this scary adventure where you don’t know anybody, and you feel lonely. I mean, basically, it’s a painting about loneliness and home. And the other painting — so sorry if I’m cheating here, but if I’ve got two hands, I can carry two paintings. When my dad died, my mom, around that time, had found this canvas — somehow, like, discarded maybe? But it was, like, a canvas that already had, like, a photo image of a peacock feather. And she grabbed it out of a dumpster. I don’t know exactly how this all transpired. But then she painted it all these, like, very rich jewel-color blues and greens. And she basically made it the colors of the peacock feather, but that you could still see the peacock feather that was embossed into the original discarded canvas. And she calls it a portrait of my father who was — well, he was a little bit like a peacock, strutting around and getting everyone to look at him. So, I would try to save both of those. Okay, so Mike, we have answered a sample of questions from this famous Aron and Aron procedure. And I want to say that when they ran the original study, there were these strangers, right, who would be paired up with each other, and they would go through as many questions as they could get through, but you would force these pairs to move on from the first set, to the second set, to the third and most vulnerable set. And the researchers asked these people how they felt. You know, “How close do you feel to this other person?” And what’s striking is that there was such a movement from, like, “Oh, not at all, because I’ve never talked to them,” to like, “Wow, I feel pretty intimately connected to this other person.” Um, let me read you from this paper, Mike, about the conclusion of what they found in this experiment. “Immediately after about 45 minutes of interaction, this relationship was rated as closer than the closest relationship in the lives of 30 percent of similar students.” That’s from another sample.
不，我的房子没有两次着火。在我的人生故事中，我没有经历过任何房屋火灾。但如果我必须冲到安全的地方，选择一样东西，我会选择——我妈妈画的一幅画。有两幅画，我的天啊。我在作弊。这两幅画都是我妈妈的。但她24岁时画的是一幅水彩画。我以前给你们看过。事实上，她在中国长大。这是一个海洋，其中有一座山。当她来到美国时，它对她来说是她童年的家。这是一种象征，就像，她留下的一切，感觉就像，你知道，你在大海的中央，你就像，在这个可怕的冒险中，你不认识任何人，你感到孤独。我是说，基本上，这是一幅关于孤独和家的画。另一幅画——抱歉我作弊了，但如果我有两只手，我可以拿两幅画。我爸爸去世的时候，我妈妈，大概在那个时候，发现了这幅画布——不知怎么的，可能是被丢弃了?但这是一幅画布，上面已经有了孔雀羽毛的照片。她从垃圾箱里拿出来的。我不知道这一切是怎么发生的。然后她把它涂成，非常丰富的宝石色的蓝色和绿色。她基本上是用孔雀羽毛的颜色来画的，但你仍然可以看到孔雀羽毛被压印在原始的废弃画布上。她把这幅画称为我父亲的肖像，他有点像一只孔雀，昂首阔步，吸引着所有人的目光。所以，我会试着保存这两个。好了，迈克，我们已经回答了这个著名的阿伦和阿伦程序中的一些问题。我想说的是，当他们进行最初的研究时，有这些陌生人，他们会被彼此配对，他们会尽可能多地回答问题，但你会强迫这些人从第一组，到第二组，到第三组，也是最脆弱的一组。研究人员询问这些人的感受。你知道，“你觉得和另一个人有多亲密?”令人惊讶的是，有这样一种转变，从“哦，一点也不，因为我从来没有和他们说过话，”到“哇，我觉得和这个人很亲密。”“在大约45分钟的互动之后，这种关系被认为比30%的同类学生生活中最亲密的关系还要亲密。”这是另一个样本。
- canvas: n. 帆布; 画布，油画 v. 用帆布覆盖*
- peacock: n. (雄)孔雀; 注重仪表和衣饰的男子，虚荣骄傲的男子 v. 炫耀，神气活现地走*
- dumpster: n.大型垃圾装卸卡车；垃圾大铁桶*
- transpired: v.（秘密等）被人知道；被证实；发生；（植物）蒸腾（transpire 的过去式及过去分词）*
- emboss: vt.使凸出；在……上作浮雕图案；装饰*
- strut: v.趾高气扬地走，昂首阔步；<非正式>展示自己的本领（或外表），炫耀（strut your stuff）；支撑，撑开 n.支柱，撑杆；趾高气扬的步态，昂首阔步的样子*
MAUGHAN: Okay. That is fascinating though.
好吧。这很吸引人。
DUCKWORTH: In other words, after 45 minutes of structured conversation going through these three sets of questions with a total stranger, you’re like, “Yeah, I feel about as close to this person as, like, a third of people would feel to, like, their closest other.”
换句话说，在和一个完全陌生的人进行了45分钟的结构化对话，回答了这三组问题之后，你会说，“是的，我觉得和这个人的关系就像三分之一的人对最亲密的人的感觉一样亲密。”
MAUGHAN: I totally get why you could get deeper intimacy in 45 minutes. Because you actually know people’s story.
我完全理解你为什么能在45分钟内更亲密。因为你知道别人的故事。
DUCKWORTH: You know, I think this idea of, like, “Well, how would you get close to somebody you don’t yet know?” You know, opens up, like, so many basic insights about what it is to have a relationship. You know, you talked about Arianna Huffington. She’s a professional, right? So she’s like, “Oh, I’m going to do all this prep.” But, really, what that reveals to me is genuine respect and interest in another person. It’s part of relationship-building to know something about what you care about so I can connect — kind of like on-ramping onto your interest highway. And then this Aron and Aron procedure — I want to say something that’s not as obvious from just reading these questions as it would be if you read the original study. So again, I’m going to quote from what they wrote. “The procedure itself, in addition to putting pairs together to interact for 45 minutes, was initially developed to include four key elements. A) Gradually escalating reciprocal self-disclosure and intimacy related behaviors.” Okay. That’s the obvious thing that we’ve just been experiencing. But here’s three other elements: “B) Matching by non-disagreement on important attitude issues.” You talk about loving your mom and how wonderful she is. I talk about loving my mom and she’s so wonderful. We are non-disagreeing, right? We are matching. We’re like, “Oh my gosh, I feel that too.” These questions I think are designed to reveal some mutual experiences or worldviews. And so that’s a second element. “C) Expectations of mutual liking.” It’s important to have the expectation that you’re going to like them. And here’s the final element, “D) Making closeness an explicit task.” When they sat these strangers down to talk to each other, it was explicit, not implicit, that you were going to try to get to know each other.
你知道，我认为这种想法，就像，“嗯，你怎么接近一个你还不认识的人?”你知道，这让我对建立关系有了很多基本的认识。你说过阿里安娜·赫芬顿她是专业的，对吧?所以她说，“哦，我要做所有这些准备。”但实际上，这向我展示的是对另一个人的真正尊重和兴趣。这是建立关系的一部分，了解你所关心的事情，这样我就可以联系你——有点像进入你的兴趣高速公路。然后这个Aron和Aron程序，我想说的是，如果你读了原始研究就不会像读这些问题那么明显。我还是要引用他们写的。这个程序本身，除了让两个人在一起互动45分钟之外，最初还包括四个关键要素。A)逐步升级相互的自我表露和亲密相关行为。”好吧。这是我们刚刚经历的显而易见的事情。但还有其他三个要素:“B)在重要的态度问题上保持一致。”你说爱你的妈妈，说她有多好。我说爱我的妈妈，她太棒了。我们没有意见分歧，对吧?我们正在配对。我们会说，“哦，天哪，我也有这种感觉。”我认为这些问题是为了揭示一些共同的经历或世界观。这是第二个元素。C)相互喜欢的期望。有一个你会喜欢他们的预期是很重要的。这是最后一个要素，“D)让亲近成为一项明确的任务。”当他们让这些陌生人坐下来互相交谈时，这是明确的，而不是含蓄的，你要试着去了解对方。
escalate: v.（使）变得严重，（使）升级；迅速增加，迅速增长；逐步增强，逐步升高
reciprocal: adj.相互的，互惠的，报答的；（路线，方向）反向的；（代词，动词）互相的；（量，函数）倒数的
self-disclosure: n.自我表露；自我揭露；自我开放
MAUGHAN: Oh, so expectation is aligned.
DUCKWORTH: Yeah, and I think this is something we can maybe do more of, like, say, for example, you’ve got, like, a new team of people at a company or you’re trying to get people together at a family reunion where some of the people are new to the family reunion. They married into the family. You know, you just say explicitly, like, “Hey, you know, the point of this picnic is that we’re just going to try to get to know each other, and we’re going to try to get close.” I mean, I want to read you the instructions that they gave in the experiment. “This is a study of interpersonal closeness and your task, which we think will be quite enjoyable, is simply to get close to your partner. We believe that the best way for you to get close to your partner is for you to share with them and for them to share with you.” So, they’re making the task quite explicit. So, I think what this tells me about, like, “How do I get to know somebody I don’t yet know — get to click with them faster?” is that it’s important, I think, to escalate the vulnerability. You have the idea that, like, that’s the goal. I think there’s something gross about that to some people, that, like, “Oh, it’s so intentional,” but I don’t know. It’s not so bad.
MAUGHAN: Yeah, but that’s also what’s beautiful. If you want to get to know people, so much of what life is is learning other people’s stories. And what I’d like to hear from our listeners is: how have you connected with someone that you’ve just met for the first time, whether that’s platonic or romantic? And has it lasted? So tell us your name, where you’re from, record it in a quiet place, put your mouth right up to the phone, and email it to NSQ@freakonomics.com. And maybe we’ll play it on a future episode of the show. Angela, I’d love to end with very actionable advice that I learned from someone named Vinh Giang about how to connect with someone you just met.
DUCKWORTH: Who is this person? Are they, like, a self-help person or are they a psychologist?
MAUGHAN: No, so Vinh Giang, he is a — basically a coach on public speaking and connecting with individuals.
DUCKWORTH: Oh, so, like, this is his job.
MAUGHAN: Yes. He said often it’s kind of awkward to ask questions, or we ask the same questions, “Where are you from? What do you do? Da da da.” And so his advice is this: make a positive statement about someone based on something you’ve observed. For example, he says, if you’ve only known someone for 30 seconds, you can say something like, “Having only known you for the last 30 seconds, you seem like someone who’s extremely adventurous.” But it gives this sense that you’ve been observing and noticing. And he says, “Look, three things could come as a result.”
DUCKWORTH: Wait. I say something about you, even in the first moments of meeting you?
MAUGHAN: Yeah. “You seem like someone who is super well read.” Or, “You seem like someone who’s traveled a lot.” Again, based on something you’ve observed, so maybe I see that you’re carrying a big backpack full of books, or maybe I see that you’ve got a bag with — that’s from some other country or something like that. So, it’s genuine. But you make this positive statement, and acknowledge that you don’t know them well, but you seem like someone who, “blank.” It shows some level of observation. And then he said three things can happen from that. One, if you’re completely wrong, they may say something like, “Well, I’m not a big reader, but I want to be.” So, they respond with, “Oh, you’re wrong, but —.” They could ask you why. “Well, I’m not, but what made you say that?” And then you can say, “Well, I saw all the books you’re carrying.”
DUCKWORTH: Even if it’s a correction, it’s like a way of getting closer.
MAUGHAN: Yeah. So there’s some level there. Or you’re right, and then they feel like you know them, and then they just open up and say, “Oh my gosh,” and then you have this great conversation. But I’ve found that to be really interesting, helpful advice on how to connect with people when you first meet them, to make these cold-reading statements rather than just ask very generic questions that lead to the same conversations you’ve already had 5,000 times.
DUCKWORTH: I agree. This is excellent advice. And I will say in these Aron and Aron questions, in the first set, one of the questions is: “Name three things that you and your partner —” meaning the person that you’ve just been paired with, right, this total stranger, “Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.” So, that’s similar, right? Like, right off the bat, you’ve only been talking to each other for minutes. And you’re like, “Oh, we seem to both be wearing jerseys from the Utah Jazz. Like, do you also love the Utah Jazz?” Right, that would be a pretty easy one. But then in the second set, there’s: “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.” So, that’s where you have to go back and forth and say, “You know, we’ve only been talking for like 20-something minutes, but, like, I already love your sense of humor.” And then, you’d have to go and say something positive about me. And you have to do five things. That’s in set two. And then, in the third set — and again, I think this all vibes with the advice you just gave: “Tell your partner something that you like about them already.” So, you can see that these are very similar questions, but they’re supposed to be inserted at three different points in the conversation as you get to more and more intimacy. And I kind of like the advice to make it positive.
MAUGHAN: And I think the most beautiful advice of all is that these are non-confrontational, non-comparative. They’re building each other up. So often, everything becomes like this challenge to one another. And if you’re really looking to connect with someone, it’s to learn about them, not to prove who’s stronger, who’s better, who’s done more.
DUCKWORTH: Well, Mike, I cannot honestly remember our very, very first conversation. But I will say that the very first conversation we had must have been pretty good, because, you know, here we are, and we are still talking.
MAUGHAN: Angela, this has been such a fascinating conversation about how to connect with someone you just met. I’d love to carry on the conversation and talk about connecting with people on a deeper level that we already know. So, maybe we’ll run into that for our next conversation.
DUCKWORTH: Mike, I completely agree that meeting somebody and connecting for the first time is different from deepening a friendship or relationship that you already have. So, to be continued. Let’s talk about it next time we are on No Stupid Questions.
MAUGHAN: Amen.